Autumn. Endings. Letting go. Death. Dying. This is the first autumn in my life that is flooded with such massive endings. This might be the first autumn that I am experiencing so deeply here by the lake. I am more alive and present than I have ever been before. My heart is cracked wide open. The more I am present with my grief, my sorrow, the more present I am to the sweetness and beauty of this moment. I feel so raw, ecstatically alive & vibrantly colourful like these red orange yellow and green leaves, kissed by the early morning sun. The more deeply I grieve whatever is there in each moment, the more I am able to be fully alive and live.
Nature reminds me that there is beauty in letting go, in letting die that which no longer serves, such sweet heart shattering. I value the gift of my tears. I value the colourful fresh aliveness that my tears bring to my heart & my soul. In being with these sweet gifts of nature, I remember that I am beauty. I offer you beauty.
We live in a western world that avoids feeling or even talking about our feelings, our grief, our losses, our anxieties, death and the dying. Yet it is in feeling what is there and in facing our losses and imminent death that we are truly free and able to live and enjoy the sweetness of this moment.
It is in speaking heart to heart truths that we are able to connect more deeply with each other. So many teachers, friends, mentors who entered my life around a decade ago were significant in me being able to be here now and capture this photo of autumn aliveness. Some I may never see again. Some our paths still connect. Others may magically reappear in my life, face to face on the dance floor, in a sweet memory or a reflective thought. Nothing is certain, only the Great Mystery and constant change.
As I witness the autumn passing, I witness my life passing. I am grateful to so many who have been part of the dance of my life. Today I am grateful to all who have danced in my heart or held space for me in my growth, especially the path of The Warrior Sage and of Living From Truth ~ specifically my teachers, my mentors ~ Anjali Hill, Satyen & Suzanne Raja, Stephen Garrett & Sonora Wallace and of course my beloved Kundalini Dance™ teacher, Leyolah Antara.
These sweet souls and many others, are also a reminder of life’s fleeting moments and how nothing is permanent. They were and still are a large part of many chapters of my life. Those chapters will always be with me, they are embedded in the book of my life, in who I am. I haven’t seen many souls who were part of those transformative chapters. I didn’t know that the last time I saw them or some of you reading this, that our deep moments of authentic connection would have ended so soon. Cycles (right Anjali?). Nothing is permanent.
As I write this I am blessed by the beauty of the lake, Alberta blue sky and a few leaves carried on the wind. The only thing I know is that this moment by the lake, it too will pass. Each moment will pass.
As you read this, know that you too are one of the notes that make the music that creates my dance of beauty. We are all connected.
Would you sip more slowly your nectar of the Gods if you knew it was your last sip? Would you kiss more slowly if you knew it was your last kiss with this beloved? Would you prolong this hug a little longer, maybe melt into it, if you knew you would never ever see this other again? Would you say more “I love you’s”? Would you speak more words of appreciation? Would you let go of your grievances more quickly? Would you risk being hurt by opening your heart even when it is shattered wide open? These are all questions that I have been asking mySelf.
The truth is that each moment might be our last. The truth is that if we are not living it fully as if it is the only moment there is, that in some way we are not being fully present in this moment.
Yesterday I picked up my final divorce papers & divorce certificate. Death of a 17 year marriage. I accepted that the notion of the perfect family living in the same house with my children and their dad and with a lifetime of dreams, has also died. Yesterday I accepted so many endings, mostly silently, mostly alone with mySelf & God. I accepted that the relationship with my beloved of 3 1/2 years, has also died. As children are going back to school, I am not returning this fall as teacher. Another ending. Another death. I grieved. I cried. I grieve. I cry. I shall continue to honour grief like the dearest of friends when it shows up at my door. I welcome my grief and give it space to be with me. I stop what I am doing and honour this visitor.
We are a society that doesn’t honour or know how to honour grief, endings, death. We are a fast food, fast orgasm focused sex and fast moving instant gratification society. Yet we all know that fast food leaves us hungry and sick, especially if we unconsciously inhale it on a regular basis.
Today the reds, oranges, yellows and fading greens remind me that everything eventually ends. Nothing is permanent. The only given is change. I have been allowing mySelf to grieve. I am also grieving all of the moments in my life that I missed because I was too busy worrying about the past or stressing about the future. I grieve all of the moments that I was just alive but not living. Do you have large chunks of your life too where you weren’t really there? I was so busy rushing to the next moment that I missed the now. There is only now.
So today, on this autumn day as you read this, I am with you. I feel you. I feel our connection. My heart is shattered wide open in beauty, in gratitude.
Are you witnessing the beauty of death, of that which is dying around you? Are you alive and yet not living? All of these endings have caused or better yet, invited me to be here now. To be in the present, the gift of the present moment. You know that is why it is called the PRESENT? The present moment is the biggest gift that we are presented with. I invite you to receive the gift of the present for yourSelf. What brings you home to yourSelf?
As autumn’s splendid bright vibrant colours blast us, we grieve the loss of summer. We let go of summer camping trips, swimming in the lake, hanging out by the light of a bonfire, staying up way too late, gazing at the stars, picking wild berries and so much more. Somehow this year, autumn calls me more deeply into the present moment.
As I grow older, I have less patience for small talk. I want to connect deeply in each moment or not at all.
I want to drink up the sweet nectar in each moment. I want the depth of richness. If this is our last cup of tea together, our last movie, our last shared meal, our last conversation, how much more would we show up? One of us might die or move away. Life happens.
Take a deep breath. Feel air entering you. Feel your breath as you exhale. Slower.
Women, slowly breathe in the beauty around me. Sip it slowly so that you can savour it. Let the beauty enter you, slowly seep into you. Breathe beauty in through your mouth. Breathe beauty in through your heart. Breathe beauty in through your skin. Breath beauty in through your yoni. Let the beauty of this moment, the beauty of these autumn leaves ~ penetrate you, enter you, shatter you. Receive this abundance of the Universe.
I don’t want you to miss another sweet ecstatic pleasurable moment in your life. Everything you love will die. Everyone you love will die. Everyone you love is dying in this moment. I hope that my words and this stunning image of the autumn splendor reminds you to go outside and witness and breath in beauty. I hope my words pressed softly into your heart called you to reach out and offer words of forgiveness, love, compassion to another or to heal that disconnected relationship with a loved one that you haven’t seen in awhile. May these autumn colours remind you that this moment and all moments will pass. Be in the present of the present moment. Your life is a gift. Your breath is a gift. Breathe in the precious gift of your life. You are a gift in my life. I love you. I see you. I offer you beauty.
Thanks for reading this to the end. Let me know how this chapter of my forthcoming book touched you.
in joyful service & the deepest of gratitude,
Dancing Pleasure Goddess™